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  • Writer's pictureColette

Damn that dreaming mind of mine

I occasionally dream about my mother who passed away almost 16 years ago. I am usually able to stick around in the dream with her a little longer, and we get to hug. It's bittersweet. I can't ever have her back in my waking life, but I value the time I get to hold on to her in my dreams.

I also dream regularly about my ex husband. It has been many years since we separated. A bone marrow transplant, and many more traumatic events in my life have followed. I got to have 2 cancers, and he got to have 2 kids. I kind of get mad at myself for dreaming about him, because he disappoints me in my dreams as he does in reality. It causes thoughts of him to linger in my mind throughout the day and weeks that follow after such a dream. We were always very interconnected, so perhaps I won't ever be able to shut off this connection. We reconnected in person briefly before my move to Arizona, and many phone calls followed for my first several months here. The dreams subsided at that time. It was so nice to be in contact with him again. But then it was severed abruptly. We spoke again last year after his sweet brother passed away. Once this year he called me, we spoke for quite a while, and the air felt lighter. He mentions each time how I can call anytime (but I don't, because I don't want any friction with his current wife), and that he will keep in touch (but he doesn't). When I'm in need of a shoulder to lean on (so to speak), or even just wanting to hear the voice of this person who knew me when, he's unavailable. I have occasionally sent a text (twice this year), only to get no response, or a hurtful response that might have came from her, or under pressure from her. My voice gets silenced, my well being doesn't matter, my sorrows and my joys don't have a place to land. It's stifling.

So, after not writing any poetry for a very long time, this had to come out of me just so I could move forward with my day.

This is a SoundCloud recording of the poem:

Here's the written version:

you again

Maybe I’ll never get over you

Just like I’ll never get over the death of my mother

The sorrow ripping through me

with literal heart disturbances

I was never possessive

I didn’t just want you to fly

I wanted you to soar

To acquire, fist holding tight, every dream you ever had

Even if that meant leaving me behind

This is the way I love

It doesn’t end when a relationship ends

I care across years, state boundary lines

and the stratosphere

My love is in orbit

It is around you, giving you breath

Lifting you

when you don’t know how you can pick yourself up again

It lives in our subconscious

Or, at least mine

Those dreams never cease

My mother and I hug and I am renewed

But you, you don’t check in on me

You betray me in life and REM

The promises you make unfulfilled

The statements you make not backed by action

It’s cyclical, the value you hold for me

I am priceless

yet you reduce me to pesos

Though I have never diminished your worth

On the contrary

When you call, I am ready

To hear anything and all

Even the unspoken

My love for you grows

like interest on money in the bank

Like a defensive stock, it never depreciates

There is stability in my love

But when I am in need

I am crippled, throat cut

Unable to speak

Because now I am an intrusion to your false joy

Traded down

My fragile body lifts my tired spirit


Without help, love, or support

And I continue to wander this earth solo

Hoping that someone, maybe you

will see my nimbus

and react

prior to my inevitable death

© 2020 Colette

what a fucked up year this has been

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